home

"In Him, 

you also are being 

built together

into a dwelling place for God

by the Spirit."

Ephesians 2:22

Today, I'm practicing actually believing that truth. Every day, all of the mishaps and mis-shaped plans. Bitter sides of me. Beautiful revelations. Grace. Opened doors. Many being shut. Light shining in dark corners. Greater, much greater, purposes for my life, for His kingdom. Chosen by the King. Loved, even. Adored, even more. I am His home, and He is my home. Resting, dwelling, abiding, discovering. 

sanctuary

sanc·tu·ar·y, n.

a sacred place

a place of refuge or asylum

shelter

I desire it more and more. The quiet, the rest. The more I desire it, the more I seek it out. Open the Book of Life and Truth, read with an open heart. Play the songs that make my soul lift out of my chest or start my legs to dancing beneath me. Pray and pray even more honestly than I thought possible. Practice more yoga, connecting to this body, the one I've been gifted. Expand the muscles and skin, all the way up to the corners of my mouth where a subtle grin is found. Love and care for the man I'm with, and my beautiful family that surrounds and supports me. Linger in my garden, picking the fresh vegetables and juicing them for a healthy treat. Read more fiction novels, with vigor. Less screen time. Deep breathes. Sit outside, still. 

And the more I seek it out, the more I find it. Sanctuary. Refuge. Shelter. 
And then Joy, Vision, Understanding. 

"Keep me as the apple of your eye;

hide me in the shadow of your wings"

Psalm 17:8

intentionality

Okay, here's what I don't like about "the real world".

Excuses.

Suddenly, there are so many ridiculous reasons for why I can't go hike the woods, paint a blank canvas, or read a fine novel. I have to fold my laundry. I need to pick up the house. I have to organize the pantry. I need to drive back and forth to work. I'm tired from work. I haven't eaten yet. I can't stay up too late. I have nobody to go with. I have lists to write out of things I need to do.

Somehow while I was in college, taking twenty-two credit hours a semester, writing papers, meeting groups, finishing up massage school, writing in my blog, baking, going to yoga, and riding my bike everywhere-- I also fit in time to hike, paint, and read. Because I like it. It's nice. I created time to do what I love. I guess I just don't do that anymore.

I spend a lot of valuable time with people that I love though. That, I do very well.

So there is one difference between college-time and post-college-real-world... I'm no longer alone. I don't spend my full days on my independent schedule which only revolved around some classes and meetings, where every other moment was mine and mine to do with. Now, I choose to share my time with people that I love. And then I fill up my free time with things that I haven't been doing, which is usually chores.

What I need to do now is this: be intentional with everything.
Make my time count for something (non-monetary).
Toss in the occasional paint session or go kayak on my way home from work.
Make it happen because no one is going to do the fun things in my life for me.

In that intentionality, I will hopefully find more freedom.
Because, although I want to be able to make intentional time to the kitschy things that I love to do, I also want to intentionally make time to create a good life for myself. I have been thinking of opening up a fitness studio, and that is going to take a heaping ton of effort and time for years to come. If I can't make my time work for me now, how am I going to accomplish a task such as a small business? This girl has to get her booty in gear and step into the real world with eyes wide open, heart to the Lord, and intentionality in her feet.

song: "Take Care" -- City and Colour

my own

"One thing is clear to me, however, that one personally-- that is consciously-- has very little control over the

yes or no, but rather

time decides everything.

Maybe not with everybody, but in any event with me.

Recently, I have noticed again and again that 

all of the decisions I had made were not really my own decisions."

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

hunger

"Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to him..."

(Matthew 3)

Vulnerable. Needy. Unfulfilled. Lacking in something. Desperate. Incomplete. Tired. 

And then the tempter makes its move. When we are at our wit's end, or simply not at our strongest. 

I've experienced a taste of this over the past few months. Without going into details, I can attest to this all, and I bet you can too.  Satan would love nothing more than to steal, kill, and destroy or joy and our love for Christ. He numbs it down and makes it not so glorious. He makes us feel like our lives are sub-par, as if we're just like everybody else in the world. But we're not. We are created by the Father and Creator of all things to be children of the Living and Active God Almighty, who actually  gave himself in the form of Jesus to be killed a strong death for the very sin that had once separated us from him because he wanted us SO badly. Who would do that? I mean really... who!?! Our society doesn't work that way, so it doesn't make sense to us. Or at least it doesn't make sense to me. But I sure want to believe it to be true. 

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

But we get hungry, and we forget about all of this. Hungry for more, for better, to be satisfied, to be different. Hunger is confusing. 

A few weeks ago I was trying to do the "paleo" diet (no grains, no dairy, no artificialities), and I realized that the diet itself was perfectly easy to follow-- but I couldn't let myself get to the point of hunger without being able to see my paleo food in sight, because otherwise I became irrational. I wanted to grab a piece of hearty toast, or a slice of cake, or yogurt or anything that was right in front of me, just to "take the edge off". Of course none of those things are inherently bad at all.. they're still healthy! But they weren't what I needed then, because I had made a decision to not eat those things at that time. Hunger does that to you though. It makes you want to drop all of your rules and fences. You just want to hurry up and take the edge away from your hunger, even if that means cheating a little bit. 

When I read Matthew 3 about Jesus being tempted by Satan, though, I feel encouraged. He was hungry and vulnerable, but he didn't give in. He was tempted with instant gratification, immortality, and ultimate power. Each time the tempter put out the bait for Jesus, Jesus would come back at him with Scripture. He didn't even try to make up excuses of why it's maybe not the best idea because of dot dot dot. He just throws Scripture in the face of temptation, because he knows that it speaks the loudest and is the truest of all. 

I'm totally imperfect at all of this, but I'm so thankful that my eyes have been opened to some sort of insight into what's going on behind closed doors when I'm feeling tempted into any wrong-doings. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him all creatures here below;

Praise him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son, Holy Ghost. Amen.

expect amazing things

Set me as a seal upon your heart,

as a seal upon your arm,

for love is as strong as death,

jealousy as fierce as the grave.

Its flashes are flashes of fire,

the very flame of the Lord.

Many waters cannot quench love,

neither can floods drown it.

If a man offered for love

all the wealth of his house,

he would be utterly despised.

[song of solomon 8:6-7]

Intensity. Passion. Emotionally charged. Strong beyond measure. Gripping. 

When I read this, I'm struck by how watered-down my personal expectation of love is, and I'm guessing I'm not the only one. This is what we can expect out of the love that we receive from God on a daily basis. We can also expect ourselves to give greater love and to receive greater love. We can expect AMAZING things out of our God, our selves, our lives. I challenge you to expect amazing things today and to live like you believe that its possible to experience amazing things in your life. It's all about perspective and deep belief. 

oh!

Well, here's a delightful truth that I can say out loud and actually mean:

I am content.

awake

I woke up this morning to a blanketed world of white outside my window. The rest of humanity seems to be still and sleeping. Except for my dogs and I of course. I've set the fireplace ablaze, made my latte, and plopped on the couch with my Bible, notebook, pen, and macbook. I'm keeping it quiet for as long as possible.

A Few Things:
 
I've outrightly ignored the blog world (yet again) for the past month or so because real life was happening and I didn't want it to get confused with cyberspace-fake-world-with-lots-of-words-cool-photos-poems-and-hypotheticals. I dearly love blogs and the women and men that compose them, but for heavens sake sometimes I just wonder what else these people do with their time? And if their lives are truly as magical and whimsical as they make them out to be? Because mine sure isn't. My life is messy and confusing and sometimes I want to scream in my sheets with my feet kicking the air, while other days I want to sweetly twirl to the beautiful rhythms of life on a sidewalk.

Also, I had ear surgery, meaning that my equilibrium is totally thrown off right now and somehow makes me too tired to do virtually anything (haha.. virtually, get it?).

And lastly, there's simply been a lot of big life changes this month, which I'm trying to wrap my mind around and grasp my fingers into. It seems that my usual way of handling things and understanding them doesn't really apply. I'm in unknown territory and a map has never been made for it. I'm attempting to increase my time with the Lord but have been doing an awful job at it. I'm so grateful for His grace in the matter. I know that in a few months' time, certain things will be clearer, and I may even be a fully-functioning, working adult. Until then, I will graciously take the days, one at a time, with Jesus Christ at the forefront of it all.

Here's to a new season of life.

hello, 2013

On New Years Day, I was enjoying the luxury of my bathtub for the first time since I've moved into this house. As I floated there, listening to Hillsong and basking in the enveloping heat, I looked over to my body wash and noticed a little surprise. It was the perfect poem for New Years Day! I shared it with my family, and now I'm going to share it with ya'll.

you took the right road and ended up in the wrong place. begin again. you reached the top of a mountain only to find yourself at the bottom of a new one. begin again.you dotted every "i" and forgot to cross your "t's". begin again. you loved with all your heart and it got broken anyway. begin again. you won the race but they gave first place to someone else. begin again.you followed your north star and ended up at the south pole. begin again. you achieved a big dream. dream again.

fear

I'm afraid of myself. I woke up this morning at 5am thinking about how afraid of myself I am. I'm afraid of my emotions, which sometimes seem to have a mind of their own. And I'm afraid of my mind which seems to lift off and go places without me as well. I'm afraid of overthinking things and of not thinking through them enough. I'm afraid that I'm an incredibly selfish person with incredibly selfish motives towards some of my friendships (does that make them selfships?). I'm afraid of being stuck with myself forever and not having a significant other to share myself with. I'm afraid that when/if that day does in fact come, I'm going to have a very hard time sharing because I'm so used to being with only me. I'm afraid that I'm not nearly as cool as people perceive me as. Or maybe they don't perceive me as cool at all, and I just think they do because I want them to. But regardless, I'm not that cool. I'm a makeshift hand-me-down painting created from years of summer camp, dancing in a studio, heartbreaks, insecurties, anger at injustices, moments of true Trust in Jesus, having very few friends in high school, learning the art of solo sports, disappointments, and rejoicements. I am exactly where I am and who I am now because of this winding, uncertain path that I've been walking on. Good gosh, I am afraid of myself. I'm mostly afraid in these moments where I feel the need to be brutally honest with myself and I desperately don't want to.

lacing up with lewis

I feel that I'm always armed and slaying wayward thoughts and actions in this constant battle with discontentment and high expectations for my life. Everyone says it's good to have high expectations; to hold onto those and don't settle, whatever you do. I wholeheartedly agree-- in fact, I've probably mouthed and proclaimed the very same words to some dear friends of mine who were so obviously in dumb relationships with dumb boys or girls. But sometimes it's not that obvious. Sometimes the heart, itself, settles in a space that it doesn't belong. Sometimes my mind settles in a space that it doesn't belong too. And it makes me feel uncomfortable. I itch for freedom, but I'm having a hard time recognizing what are the shackles gripping around my ankles and arms. 

I have built up high walls and then I'm telling myself that I have to climb them in order to be anything or get anywhere. I have created a troubled soul within myself. 

And now I'm becoming aware of it, and I cannot maintain this image.

The truth is, is Jesus Christ is my Savior. He's unhatched the locks that I put on my own shackles made of my own craftsmanship. He's said, "No, I won't let you do that to yourself; here, let me set you free. You are free indeed." And instead of leaping for joy at it all, I just sit there in this open prison cell with unlocked metal hanging on me, waiting for something else to come save the day. 

Everything about my life reflects the Gospel of Jesus; my messing up, his saving me, his constant redemption for me, welcoming me home, lifting me up, bringing me favor, opportunity, loving on me, instilling creativity in me. He is good good good, over and over again.

I think a part of my frustrations stem from the humanness that I feel through gravity, through the world's corruptions, war, strife, politics-- that it's not supposed to be this way. We were created for more. I was created for more. We belong to another world, but in this world we've been saved. In this world that I live in right now, I have been saved from its captivity. And hallelujah to that! The book of Hebrews is all about reminding Christians about who Jesus is, why he's so worthy to worship and follow. I'm going to start reading through it and studying it so that I can be reminded too, so that I can start proclaiming "hallelujah" and really mean it again.

please & thank you.

Sitting sipping coffee (at Please & Thank You Coffee), post-Crossfit, post-shower, pre-study. My hands are jittery.
 
Oh, I just realized that when I asked for a double-shot americano, that means that they actually put four shots of espresso in this cup total. That explains why my heart is about to jump out of my skin and I can feel its pulse in my elbow-pit and calfs.

I don't want to study.

I want to jump up and down and travel and make new friends!

Deep breath.

Lord, I pray for focus. Please.
And that I can study well for my pilates and massage exams.
I also pray that I can actually pass these exams the first time around so I don't have to study for them ever again and I can move on with real life because I'm really tired of being a student.
Thank you.
I'm thankful for you, Jesus.

Man, church was awesome yesterday.
Hallelujah!

untitled

I'm feeling something and I don't know quite what it is.
A bit of a restlessness, some would say.
However, I am also at peace, given that it is the holidays and all-- I have a reason for my doing-nothingness.

But I don't want to do nothing. I want to do something remarkable, something to be proud of.

I want to wander through woods, paint on trees, then paint on my skin, and maybe even on a canvas.
I want the people I love to know that I love them, and I want to be able to know that there are myriads of people that I truly do love.

I love my family. I really like them too. I have been truly blessed with the loveliest home in their hearts. So, moving back into the same house as mom and dad has been wonderful. It's refreshing and I feel at rest. They try to give me space, and I respect theirs as well. But there's something about being at this age that makes me want to jump ship sometimes. I wish that I was stable enough, financially, to move into my own place. I would invite over all of my cool twenty-something friends, we would talk about Jesus over beers and hot cocoas, and I would have Christmas lights strung throughout my quaint space. I would be a yoga-teaching-massage-therapist and I would wear lipstick and it would be great. Unfortunately, I'm not there yet. Fortunately, I'm not there yet. That's not where I'm supposed to be, otherwise I'd be there already. Where I'm at is okay.

It's all just swell and I need to learn how to appreciate this time in its fullness. My little fingers need to hold hands with it, firmly, like I mean it. I'll never have a time like this in my life ever again-- I'm unemployed, living with mom and dad, I don't have to pay for anything, I can go to yoga pilates crossfit etc, I get to play with my adorable nephew, I live in a huge lovely house with two beautiful pups, I live near some friends still, Kentucky is a mystery, and this is all great. Buck up and buck wild, girl. This is a good life.

Where I'm At

For the first time in a long time, I am in one place. All of my possessions are in this house. My body is in this house. Most of my heart is in this house (the rest of it is scattered in Michigan and Washington with my family, and in all sorts of American states with my dear best friends). I am in a place that I'm learning to call "Home".

I've changed the name of this blog because "all over the place" now just sounds very sad and lost and confusing to me, and I'm learning how to not be those things anymore. Truthfully, they don't feel true to me anymore either. I'm not all over the place, I'm in one place.

I had grand plans of moving out west to do something epic that would make me feel really outdoorsy and accomplished and twentysomethingish. However, God did not have those same plans for me. In fact, he's asked me to simply stop planning altogether and just be here because is this where I am. Being in Louisville is my epic next step. As I started unpacking all of my things this past week, it dawned on me that I think I shall be here for quite a while, and that I may actually like that.

I can feel a season coming at me. One of stillness, of creativity, of serious honesty, of barreling through tall walls that I've built, of prayer, and-- most importantly-- of leaning on my first love, Jesus Christ.

No one told me that post-university life would be so shocking for the reasons that it is... they always say things like,  "Welcome to the real world!" and "Yeah, life's not as fun when you actually have to work is it?" ... But those are fine. I'm ready to work. I'm excited to do what I'll be doing and actually make some money doing it! What I wasn't ready for was the shocking reality of having to deal with myself as if I'm meeting myself for the first time. In college, I was so busy all the time. Going to class, church, group meetings, working out, volunteering, college ministry, coffee dates, studying.... you just go go go and it's all happening. Until it all stops happening. It just stops. All of my best friends and I have scattered and now we're out of our cozy little college space and in awkward rooms in awkward cities trying to make friends again and trying to figure out who we've become after these past four years.

So I'm saying "hello, self" and trying to be as honest as possible.
It's really not easy to be honest with myself. You'd think it would be, but it's not.
I sometimes wish that I was a lot cooler than I really am, or that I would have a lot more of my life "together" than I really do. I wish that I was more mature, but the fact is, is that some of me is a squealing, hormonal thirteen-years-old girl, while other areas are forty-five and wise. I wished that I was more prayerful, more in love with Jesus, but I've honestly been closing my heart off from him recently (futile attempts).

And so here I am.
Figuring things out, whether or not they're as romantic and lovely as I wish that they were.
I just crave honesty right now.

I'm creating my circle of quiet (ahem, Madeline L'Engle).
In this circle I will know myself and know my God.

(amen to that)

I will wait for you here

It's really really lovely outside. My most favorite season in the entirety of seasons that the Lord hath made. Fired up leaves, falling gently off of the branches of tall trees which have held them effortlessly for so long. Walks through the woods, sometimes even jogs. Oh I just want to squeeze it all and never let it go!

And unfortunately, I've been sitting on my arse all day because I'm too sick to get up. Boo! I want to go play. But alas, I must sit. I sat outside for a while, watching the wind blow the tops of trees so strong that the leaves would all flutter off together and take long rides down to earth. It was pretty mesmerizing. I read some more of Lord of the Rings until my eyes got so sleepy I just had to shut them and take a rest. The sun actually made it feel warm.

Despite how bummed I am that I can't go kayaking or hiking or trail running or something... I am actually certainly thankful for a reason to do nothing. To just sit and reflect. Well, and watch an episode of Nashville... hehe. But it's not often that I give myself permission to simply sit or read a book in the middle of the day. And it feels pretty good.

Except that all of this stillness is bringing up a lot of things that I haven't been wanting to think about. Like... what the heck am I going to do with my life? And other no-big-deal thoughts like, where will I live? How will I make money?How do people find jobs?Could I just audition for something and be famous one day like one of those stars on Nashville? Should I consider voice lessons? And then I reel it back again to reality... Where will I be in the next 6 months? What do I truly want to do? Where is the Lord leading me now?

I don't really like to think about these things because they remind me of how "un-together" my life is right now. It's absolutely terrifying.

But first things first: finish up massage school this week, and then soon after I shall move down to Louisville with my parents. At least I have a plan for the next few weeks. That's a start!

walk on water

falling into you

Everything is a bit, weird. Slightly chaotic, slightly peaceful, quite sad, mostly strange, very uncomfortable. 

I'm so thankful that the new Mumford & Sons album came out this week. Perfect timing, when I really need them.

Right now, I'm learning how to truly fall into the strong arms of the Lord when I'm confused, hurt, frustrated, and in a seemingly-constant state of unknown in this transition period. I'm learning how to trust like I mean it, like I really believe Him when He tells me that I won't be put to shame by Him, that He will always love me, and has good things for me (ahem, Isaiah 54, 1 Tim 6, etcetera).

I know that this song is now blowing up the radio streams, but I love it and it my theme song because it matches the state of my soul right now.

"I Will Wait"

well I came home,

like a stone,

and I fell heavy into Your arms.

these days of dust

which we've known,

will blow away 

with this new sun.

but I'll kneal down, wait for now.

and I'll kneel down,

know my ground.

and I will wait I will wait for You

and I will wait I will wait for You.

so break my step,

and relent.

well you forgave, and I won't forget;

know what we've seen

and him with less.

now in some way, shake the excess.

and I will wait I will wait for you

and I will wait I will wait for you

Now i'll be bold, as well as strong

and use my head alongside my heart

so take my flesh

and fix my eyes

a tethered mind, freed from the lies.

and i'll kneel down, wait for now

i'll kneel down

know my ground

raise my hands

paint my spirit gold

bow my head

keep my heart slow

i will wait

i will wait

for You 

amen to that.

 

freedom is free

I'm growing my branches

reaching up higher and higher;

stretching to find 

the truth 

in all of this

because it's confusing

and I don't think that I'm supposed to be 

so confused.

It shouldn't be this hard.

 Or so they tell me.

I don't want to listen

to everyone else's opinons

about someone else's opinon

about their opinion

on what I should do.

I'd rather hear it from You,

my God.

I want to feel it in my bones

and be dragged by my heartstrings.

To be so sure of 

something;

some direction to somewhere;

wherever you would have me.