fear

I'm afraid of myself. I woke up this morning at 5am thinking about how afraid of myself I am. I'm afraid of my emotions, which sometimes seem to have a mind of their own. And I'm afraid of my mind which seems to lift off and go places without me as well. I'm afraid of overthinking things and of not thinking through them enough. I'm afraid that I'm an incredibly selfish person with incredibly selfish motives towards some of my friendships (does that make them selfships?). I'm afraid of being stuck with myself forever and not having a significant other to share myself with. I'm afraid that when/if that day does in fact come, I'm going to have a very hard time sharing because I'm so used to being with only me. I'm afraid that I'm not nearly as cool as people perceive me as. Or maybe they don't perceive me as cool at all, and I just think they do because I want them to. But regardless, I'm not that cool. I'm a makeshift hand-me-down painting created from years of summer camp, dancing in a studio, heartbreaks, insecurties, anger at injustices, moments of true Trust in Jesus, having very few friends in high school, learning the art of solo sports, disappointments, and rejoicements. I am exactly where I am and who I am now because of this winding, uncertain path that I've been walking on. Good gosh, I am afraid of myself. I'm mostly afraid in these moments where I feel the need to be brutally honest with myself and I desperately don't want to.