fear

I'm afraid of myself. I woke up this morning at 5am thinking about how afraid of myself I am. I'm afraid of my emotions, which sometimes seem to have a mind of their own. And I'm afraid of my mind which seems to lift off and go places without me as well. I'm afraid of overthinking things and of not thinking through them enough. I'm afraid that I'm an incredibly selfish person with incredibly selfish motives towards some of my friendships (does that make them selfships?). I'm afraid of being stuck with myself forever and not having a significant other to share myself with. I'm afraid that when/if that day does in fact come, I'm going to have a very hard time sharing because I'm so used to being with only me. I'm afraid that I'm not nearly as cool as people perceive me as. Or maybe they don't perceive me as cool at all, and I just think they do because I want them to. But regardless, I'm not that cool. I'm a makeshift hand-me-down painting created from years of summer camp, dancing in a studio, heartbreaks, insecurties, anger at injustices, moments of true Trust in Jesus, having very few friends in high school, learning the art of solo sports, disappointments, and rejoicements. I am exactly where I am and who I am now because of this winding, uncertain path that I've been walking on. Good gosh, I am afraid of myself. I'm mostly afraid in these moments where I feel the need to be brutally honest with myself and I desperately don't want to.

lacing up with lewis

I feel that I'm always armed and slaying wayward thoughts and actions in this constant battle with discontentment and high expectations for my life. Everyone says it's good to have high expectations; to hold onto those and don't settle, whatever you do. I wholeheartedly agree-- in fact, I've probably mouthed and proclaimed the very same words to some dear friends of mine who were so obviously in dumb relationships with dumb boys or girls. But sometimes it's not that obvious. Sometimes the heart, itself, settles in a space that it doesn't belong. Sometimes my mind settles in a space that it doesn't belong too. And it makes me feel uncomfortable. I itch for freedom, but I'm having a hard time recognizing what are the shackles gripping around my ankles and arms. 

I have built up high walls and then I'm telling myself that I have to climb them in order to be anything or get anywhere. I have created a troubled soul within myself. 

And now I'm becoming aware of it, and I cannot maintain this image.

The truth is, is Jesus Christ is my Savior. He's unhatched the locks that I put on my own shackles made of my own craftsmanship. He's said, "No, I won't let you do that to yourself; here, let me set you free. You are free indeed." And instead of leaping for joy at it all, I just sit there in this open prison cell with unlocked metal hanging on me, waiting for something else to come save the day. 

Everything about my life reflects the Gospel of Jesus; my messing up, his saving me, his constant redemption for me, welcoming me home, lifting me up, bringing me favor, opportunity, loving on me, instilling creativity in me. He is good good good, over and over again.

I think a part of my frustrations stem from the humanness that I feel through gravity, through the world's corruptions, war, strife, politics-- that it's not supposed to be this way. We were created for more. I was created for more. We belong to another world, but in this world we've been saved. In this world that I live in right now, I have been saved from its captivity. And hallelujah to that! The book of Hebrews is all about reminding Christians about who Jesus is, why he's so worthy to worship and follow. I'm going to start reading through it and studying it so that I can be reminded too, so that I can start proclaiming "hallelujah" and really mean it again.

please & thank you.

Sitting sipping coffee (at Please & Thank You Coffee), post-Crossfit, post-shower, pre-study. My hands are jittery.
 
Oh, I just realized that when I asked for a double-shot americano, that means that they actually put four shots of espresso in this cup total. That explains why my heart is about to jump out of my skin and I can feel its pulse in my elbow-pit and calfs.

I don't want to study.

I want to jump up and down and travel and make new friends!

Deep breath.

Lord, I pray for focus. Please.
And that I can study well for my pilates and massage exams.
I also pray that I can actually pass these exams the first time around so I don't have to study for them ever again and I can move on with real life because I'm really tired of being a student.
Thank you.
I'm thankful for you, Jesus.

Man, church was awesome yesterday.
Hallelujah!

untitled

I'm feeling something and I don't know quite what it is.
A bit of a restlessness, some would say.
However, I am also at peace, given that it is the holidays and all-- I have a reason for my doing-nothingness.

But I don't want to do nothing. I want to do something remarkable, something to be proud of.

I want to wander through woods, paint on trees, then paint on my skin, and maybe even on a canvas.
I want the people I love to know that I love them, and I want to be able to know that there are myriads of people that I truly do love.

I love my family. I really like them too. I have been truly blessed with the loveliest home in their hearts. So, moving back into the same house as mom and dad has been wonderful. It's refreshing and I feel at rest. They try to give me space, and I respect theirs as well. But there's something about being at this age that makes me want to jump ship sometimes. I wish that I was stable enough, financially, to move into my own place. I would invite over all of my cool twenty-something friends, we would talk about Jesus over beers and hot cocoas, and I would have Christmas lights strung throughout my quaint space. I would be a yoga-teaching-massage-therapist and I would wear lipstick and it would be great. Unfortunately, I'm not there yet. Fortunately, I'm not there yet. That's not where I'm supposed to be, otherwise I'd be there already. Where I'm at is okay.

It's all just swell and I need to learn how to appreciate this time in its fullness. My little fingers need to hold hands with it, firmly, like I mean it. I'll never have a time like this in my life ever again-- I'm unemployed, living with mom and dad, I don't have to pay for anything, I can go to yoga pilates crossfit etc, I get to play with my adorable nephew, I live in a huge lovely house with two beautiful pups, I live near some friends still, Kentucky is a mystery, and this is all great. Buck up and buck wild, girl. This is a good life.

Where I'm At

For the first time in a long time, I am in one place. All of my possessions are in this house. My body is in this house. Most of my heart is in this house (the rest of it is scattered in Michigan and Washington with my family, and in all sorts of American states with my dear best friends). I am in a place that I'm learning to call "Home".

I've changed the name of this blog because "all over the place" now just sounds very sad and lost and confusing to me, and I'm learning how to not be those things anymore. Truthfully, they don't feel true to me anymore either. I'm not all over the place, I'm in one place.

I had grand plans of moving out west to do something epic that would make me feel really outdoorsy and accomplished and twentysomethingish. However, God did not have those same plans for me. In fact, he's asked me to simply stop planning altogether and just be here because is this where I am. Being in Louisville is my epic next step. As I started unpacking all of my things this past week, it dawned on me that I think I shall be here for quite a while, and that I may actually like that.

I can feel a season coming at me. One of stillness, of creativity, of serious honesty, of barreling through tall walls that I've built, of prayer, and-- most importantly-- of leaning on my first love, Jesus Christ.

No one told me that post-university life would be so shocking for the reasons that it is... they always say things like,  "Welcome to the real world!" and "Yeah, life's not as fun when you actually have to work is it?" ... But those are fine. I'm ready to work. I'm excited to do what I'll be doing and actually make some money doing it! What I wasn't ready for was the shocking reality of having to deal with myself as if I'm meeting myself for the first time. In college, I was so busy all the time. Going to class, church, group meetings, working out, volunteering, college ministry, coffee dates, studying.... you just go go go and it's all happening. Until it all stops happening. It just stops. All of my best friends and I have scattered and now we're out of our cozy little college space and in awkward rooms in awkward cities trying to make friends again and trying to figure out who we've become after these past four years.

So I'm saying "hello, self" and trying to be as honest as possible.
It's really not easy to be honest with myself. You'd think it would be, but it's not.
I sometimes wish that I was a lot cooler than I really am, or that I would have a lot more of my life "together" than I really do. I wish that I was more mature, but the fact is, is that some of me is a squealing, hormonal thirteen-years-old girl, while other areas are forty-five and wise. I wished that I was more prayerful, more in love with Jesus, but I've honestly been closing my heart off from him recently (futile attempts).

And so here I am.
Figuring things out, whether or not they're as romantic and lovely as I wish that they were.
I just crave honesty right now.

I'm creating my circle of quiet (ahem, Madeline L'Engle).
In this circle I will know myself and know my God.

(amen to that)

I will wait for you here

It's really really lovely outside. My most favorite season in the entirety of seasons that the Lord hath made. Fired up leaves, falling gently off of the branches of tall trees which have held them effortlessly for so long. Walks through the woods, sometimes even jogs. Oh I just want to squeeze it all and never let it go!

And unfortunately, I've been sitting on my arse all day because I'm too sick to get up. Boo! I want to go play. But alas, I must sit. I sat outside for a while, watching the wind blow the tops of trees so strong that the leaves would all flutter off together and take long rides down to earth. It was pretty mesmerizing. I read some more of Lord of the Rings until my eyes got so sleepy I just had to shut them and take a rest. The sun actually made it feel warm.

Despite how bummed I am that I can't go kayaking or hiking or trail running or something... I am actually certainly thankful for a reason to do nothing. To just sit and reflect. Well, and watch an episode of Nashville... hehe. But it's not often that I give myself permission to simply sit or read a book in the middle of the day. And it feels pretty good.

Except that all of this stillness is bringing up a lot of things that I haven't been wanting to think about. Like... what the heck am I going to do with my life? And other no-big-deal thoughts like, where will I live? How will I make money?How do people find jobs?Could I just audition for something and be famous one day like one of those stars on Nashville? Should I consider voice lessons? And then I reel it back again to reality... Where will I be in the next 6 months? What do I truly want to do? Where is the Lord leading me now?

I don't really like to think about these things because they remind me of how "un-together" my life is right now. It's absolutely terrifying.

But first things first: finish up massage school this week, and then soon after I shall move down to Louisville with my parents. At least I have a plan for the next few weeks. That's a start!

walk on water

falling into you

Everything is a bit, weird. Slightly chaotic, slightly peaceful, quite sad, mostly strange, very uncomfortable. 

I'm so thankful that the new Mumford & Sons album came out this week. Perfect timing, when I really need them.

Right now, I'm learning how to truly fall into the strong arms of the Lord when I'm confused, hurt, frustrated, and in a seemingly-constant state of unknown in this transition period. I'm learning how to trust like I mean it, like I really believe Him when He tells me that I won't be put to shame by Him, that He will always love me, and has good things for me (ahem, Isaiah 54, 1 Tim 6, etcetera).

I know that this song is now blowing up the radio streams, but I love it and it my theme song because it matches the state of my soul right now.

"I Will Wait"

well I came home,

like a stone,

and I fell heavy into Your arms.

these days of dust

which we've known,

will blow away 

with this new sun.

but I'll kneal down, wait for now.

and I'll kneel down,

know my ground.

and I will wait I will wait for You

and I will wait I will wait for You.

so break my step,

and relent.

well you forgave, and I won't forget;

know what we've seen

and him with less.

now in some way, shake the excess.

and I will wait I will wait for you

and I will wait I will wait for you

Now i'll be bold, as well as strong

and use my head alongside my heart

so take my flesh

and fix my eyes

a tethered mind, freed from the lies.

and i'll kneel down, wait for now

i'll kneel down

know my ground

raise my hands

paint my spirit gold

bow my head

keep my heart slow

i will wait

i will wait

for You 

amen to that.

 

freedom is free

I'm growing my branches

reaching up higher and higher;

stretching to find 

the truth 

in all of this

because it's confusing

and I don't think that I'm supposed to be 

so confused.

It shouldn't be this hard.

 Or so they tell me.

I don't want to listen

to everyone else's opinons

about someone else's opinon

about their opinion

on what I should do.

I'd rather hear it from You,

my God.

I want to feel it in my bones

and be dragged by my heartstrings.

To be so sure of 

something;

some direction to somewhere;

wherever you would have me.

a floating feather

I feel like a feather. A feather suspended just above the sand. I've made it all the way from the ground of the park to get to the sandy beach, but rather than gently drifting down to solid ground, I am simply floating at a soft hover.

The Lord has done so much in my life over the past year and half. This has been the most intense season of growth. I had to fly clear across the globe to Australia to learn how to define faith for myself, how to fall in true love with Jesus, how to stop striving after unrealistic expectations for myself emotionally and physically, how to be independent in a healthy way, and how to properly adventure. I came back to America and was slammed with reality, when my best friend, brother, and sister all were married within months of each other. I was also slammed with the reality that I had gained about 15 pounds (not much to most, but to a former body-obsessed dancer, this was tragic). I had to learn how to live with my parents again, completely dependent, and then had to learn how to live with four other girls in a house at school. After learning that I could actually choose how to use my time, energy, passions, love, faith, and beauty, I had to spend a lot of time alone, evaluating my current self, and how I wanted to shape my final year of college. I would no longer spend all of my free time exercising, but would reserve a short time every day to maintain a healthy self, and reserve a larger portion of my free time to maintain a healthy spirit. I discovered my love for baking. I eagerly engaged in long conversations with my lovely roommates. I spent more time painting or crafting. I wrote letters. I went on dates (which didn't work out, but I took chances I never would have done before). I went on solo adventures to the wilderness areas near campus. I read the Bible like I believed it. I spoke aloud when I saw an injustice on campus. I wore less-tight clothing, and tried to keep from flirting or striving. In fact, I was pretty burnt out with the whole relationship thing and tried to spend as much time at home, away from the opposite sex, as possible. I reconnected with my family, fully inviting them into my life, my heart, my passions again. I journaled less and journeyed more. I was quieter.

So much soul love was had.
And then, I met the most marvelous young man. We're now in a long-distance relationship. I'm not going to go into details yet because it is too soon for that. But, in short, the eight months that we've been together have felt like a whirlwind. We've both learned so much about ourselves and each other. I have been humbled beyond belief. I thought I was on top of the world when I met him... like I said in the paragraph above-- the Lord had changed so much in me and had matured me in mysterious ways. However. I realized how very immature I still am in many ways, and especially how selfish I am. I do not have it all together, and I certainly do not know how to best do this whole relationship thing.

Also-- I still don't know what the heck I'm doing with my life. I had it all set a year and half ago... finish school, finish massage school, apply for PT school in a cool city, finish that, get a great job, get married, have babies, blablabla... And now! I've finished university, about to finish massage school, and.. andd.. well shoot, I don't really know what else will really happen. I don't have a clear career vision anymore because I don't think that I'm supposed to. I had to make an intense decision to not apply for PT schools and to not pursue that anymore, because everything within me has been telling me "no" to that ever since I was in Australia. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, except to remain passionate for the Lord, and serving him with the abilities that he has gifted me in. I love giving massages to people who need it, and I do truly love massage in general, but I want to expand the horizons of it to reach more types of people (perhaps I will focus on rehab, oncology, sports).

This is all a part of the journey my Shepard is asking me to follow him on. He's saying to me, "Look, I know that you don't know what's coming, but if you would just trust me when I say that it will be alright, I promise that you will not be put to shame. You have a unique calling, a very unique self to offer to the world; I've spent the past twenty-three years of your life forming you into a woman after my own heart, and I will continue to do so if you continue to obey me. This will take courage. You can choose to let go of my hand at any time, but it will be much harder to hear my quiet voice. You are mine, and I love you too much to let you fall."

And so here I float.
Suspended, in waiting, to see what the Lord will ask of me next, and praying that I have the courage to follow his leading. He has been faithful this long, and I have no reason to believe that he will not continue to be faithful from this point forward. My life is in his hands. My future rests with him, and I ought not to be anxious for it.
I will patiently hover in this warm, soft air;
a feather, eager to land, but content until the right timing has come.

buck up

too much.

i want to be too many things.

massage therapist
writer
baker
blogger
momma
wifey
herbalist
yogi
hardcore
adventurer
athlete
owner
entrepreneur
crafty
soft
handy
pink
brown
dancer
rehabilitator
strong
smart
gardener
minimalist
poet
painter
pilates instructor
life saver
organized
artsy



ahhhhhhhhhh!!! 

But let all who take refuge in You rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,
and spread your protection over them,that those who love your name may exult in you.
For you bless the righteous, O Lord;
you cover him with favor as with a shield.
-psalm 5:11-12  

it's time to gain some creative strings and pull them out of me to make/do something fantastic again. ok go-