I will wait for you here

It's really really lovely outside. My most favorite season in the entirety of seasons that the Lord hath made. Fired up leaves, falling gently off of the branches of tall trees which have held them effortlessly for so long. Walks through the woods, sometimes even jogs. Oh I just want to squeeze it all and never let it go!

And unfortunately, I've been sitting on my arse all day because I'm too sick to get up. Boo! I want to go play. But alas, I must sit. I sat outside for a while, watching the wind blow the tops of trees so strong that the leaves would all flutter off together and take long rides down to earth. It was pretty mesmerizing. I read some more of Lord of the Rings until my eyes got so sleepy I just had to shut them and take a rest. The sun actually made it feel warm.

Despite how bummed I am that I can't go kayaking or hiking or trail running or something... I am actually certainly thankful for a reason to do nothing. To just sit and reflect. Well, and watch an episode of Nashville... hehe. But it's not often that I give myself permission to simply sit or read a book in the middle of the day. And it feels pretty good.

Except that all of this stillness is bringing up a lot of things that I haven't been wanting to think about. Like... what the heck am I going to do with my life? And other no-big-deal thoughts like, where will I live? How will I make money?How do people find jobs?Could I just audition for something and be famous one day like one of those stars on Nashville? Should I consider voice lessons? And then I reel it back again to reality... Where will I be in the next 6 months? What do I truly want to do? Where is the Lord leading me now?

I don't really like to think about these things because they remind me of how "un-together" my life is right now. It's absolutely terrifying.

But first things first: finish up massage school this week, and then soon after I shall move down to Louisville with my parents. At least I have a plan for the next few weeks. That's a start!

walk on water

falling into you

Everything is a bit, weird. Slightly chaotic, slightly peaceful, quite sad, mostly strange, very uncomfortable. 

I'm so thankful that the new Mumford & Sons album came out this week. Perfect timing, when I really need them.

Right now, I'm learning how to truly fall into the strong arms of the Lord when I'm confused, hurt, frustrated, and in a seemingly-constant state of unknown in this transition period. I'm learning how to trust like I mean it, like I really believe Him when He tells me that I won't be put to shame by Him, that He will always love me, and has good things for me (ahem, Isaiah 54, 1 Tim 6, etcetera).

I know that this song is now blowing up the radio streams, but I love it and it my theme song because it matches the state of my soul right now.

"I Will Wait"

well I came home,

like a stone,

and I fell heavy into Your arms.

these days of dust

which we've known,

will blow away 

with this new sun.

but I'll kneal down, wait for now.

and I'll kneel down,

know my ground.

and I will wait I will wait for You

and I will wait I will wait for You.

so break my step,

and relent.

well you forgave, and I won't forget;

know what we've seen

and him with less.

now in some way, shake the excess.

and I will wait I will wait for you

and I will wait I will wait for you

Now i'll be bold, as well as strong

and use my head alongside my heart

so take my flesh

and fix my eyes

a tethered mind, freed from the lies.

and i'll kneel down, wait for now

i'll kneel down

know my ground

raise my hands

paint my spirit gold

bow my head

keep my heart slow

i will wait

i will wait

for You 

amen to that.