For the first time in a long time, I am in one place. All of my possessions are in this house. My body is in this house. Most of my heart is in this house (the rest of it is scattered in Michigan and Washington with my family, and in all sorts of American states with my dear best friends). I am in a place that I'm learning to call "Home".
I've changed the name of this blog because "all over the place" now just sounds very sad and lost and confusing to me, and I'm learning how to not be those things anymore. Truthfully, they don't feel true to me anymore either. I'm not all over the place, I'm in one place.
I had grand plans of moving out west to do something epic that would make me feel really outdoorsy and accomplished and twentysomethingish. However, God did not have those same plans for me. In fact, he's asked me to simply stop planning altogether and just be here because is this where I am. Being in Louisville is my epic next step. As I started unpacking all of my things this past week, it dawned on me that I think I shall be here for quite a while, and that I may actually like that.
I can feel a season coming at me. One of stillness, of creativity, of serious honesty, of barreling through tall walls that I've built, of prayer, and-- most importantly-- of leaning on my first love, Jesus Christ.
No one told me that post-university life would be so shocking for the reasons that it is... they always say things like, "Welcome to the real world!" and "Yeah, life's not as fun when you actually have to work is it?" ... But those are fine. I'm ready to work. I'm excited to do what I'll be doing and actually make some money doing it! What I wasn't ready for was the shocking reality of having to deal with myself as if I'm meeting myself for the first time. In college, I was so busy all the time. Going to class, church, group meetings, working out, volunteering, college ministry, coffee dates, studying.... you just go go go and it's all happening. Until it all stops happening. It just stops. All of my best friends and I have scattered and now we're out of our cozy little college space and in awkward rooms in awkward cities trying to make friends again and trying to figure out who we've become after these past four years.
So I'm saying "hello, self" and trying to be as honest as possible.
It's really not easy to be honest with myself. You'd think it would be, but it's not.
I sometimes wish that I was a lot cooler than I really am, or that I would have a lot more of my life "together" than I really do. I wish that I was more mature, but the fact is, is that some of me is a squealing, hormonal thirteen-years-old girl, while other areas are forty-five and wise. I wished that I was more prayerful, more in love with Jesus, but I've honestly been closing my heart off from him recently (futile attempts).
And so here I am.
Figuring things out, whether or not they're as romantic and lovely as I wish that they were.
I just crave honesty right now.
I'm creating my circle of quiet (ahem, Madeline L'Engle).
In this circle I will know myself and know my God.
(amen to that)
