hunger

"Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to him..."

(Matthew 3)

Vulnerable. Needy. Unfulfilled. Lacking in something. Desperate. Incomplete. Tired. 

And then the tempter makes its move. When we are at our wit's end, or simply not at our strongest. 

I've experienced a taste of this over the past few months. Without going into details, I can attest to this all, and I bet you can too.  Satan would love nothing more than to steal, kill, and destroy or joy and our love for Christ. He numbs it down and makes it not so glorious. He makes us feel like our lives are sub-par, as if we're just like everybody else in the world. But we're not. We are created by the Father and Creator of all things to be children of the Living and Active God Almighty, who actually  gave himself in the form of Jesus to be killed a strong death for the very sin that had once separated us from him because he wanted us SO badly. Who would do that? I mean really... who!?! Our society doesn't work that way, so it doesn't make sense to us. Or at least it doesn't make sense to me. But I sure want to believe it to be true. 

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

But we get hungry, and we forget about all of this. Hungry for more, for better, to be satisfied, to be different. Hunger is confusing. 

A few weeks ago I was trying to do the "paleo" diet (no grains, no dairy, no artificialities), and I realized that the diet itself was perfectly easy to follow-- but I couldn't let myself get to the point of hunger without being able to see my paleo food in sight, because otherwise I became irrational. I wanted to grab a piece of hearty toast, or a slice of cake, or yogurt or anything that was right in front of me, just to "take the edge off". Of course none of those things are inherently bad at all.. they're still healthy! But they weren't what I needed then, because I had made a decision to not eat those things at that time. Hunger does that to you though. It makes you want to drop all of your rules and fences. You just want to hurry up and take the edge away from your hunger, even if that means cheating a little bit. 

When I read Matthew 3 about Jesus being tempted by Satan, though, I feel encouraged. He was hungry and vulnerable, but he didn't give in. He was tempted with instant gratification, immortality, and ultimate power. Each time the tempter put out the bait for Jesus, Jesus would come back at him with Scripture. He didn't even try to make up excuses of why it's maybe not the best idea because of dot dot dot. He just throws Scripture in the face of temptation, because he knows that it speaks the loudest and is the truest of all. 

I'm totally imperfect at all of this, but I'm so thankful that my eyes have been opened to some sort of insight into what's going on behind closed doors when I'm feeling tempted into any wrong-doings. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him all creatures here below;

Praise him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son, Holy Ghost. Amen.

expect amazing things

Set me as a seal upon your heart,

as a seal upon your arm,

for love is as strong as death,

jealousy as fierce as the grave.

Its flashes are flashes of fire,

the very flame of the Lord.

Many waters cannot quench love,

neither can floods drown it.

If a man offered for love

all the wealth of his house,

he would be utterly despised.

[song of solomon 8:6-7]

Intensity. Passion. Emotionally charged. Strong beyond measure. Gripping. 

When I read this, I'm struck by how watered-down my personal expectation of love is, and I'm guessing I'm not the only one. This is what we can expect out of the love that we receive from God on a daily basis. We can also expect ourselves to give greater love and to receive greater love. We can expect AMAZING things out of our God, our selves, our lives. I challenge you to expect amazing things today and to live like you believe that its possible to experience amazing things in your life. It's all about perspective and deep belief. 

oh!

Well, here's a delightful truth that I can say out loud and actually mean:

I am content.

awake

I woke up this morning to a blanketed world of white outside my window. The rest of humanity seems to be still and sleeping. Except for my dogs and I of course. I've set the fireplace ablaze, made my latte, and plopped on the couch with my Bible, notebook, pen, and macbook. I'm keeping it quiet for as long as possible.

A Few Things:
 
I've outrightly ignored the blog world (yet again) for the past month or so because real life was happening and I didn't want it to get confused with cyberspace-fake-world-with-lots-of-words-cool-photos-poems-and-hypotheticals. I dearly love blogs and the women and men that compose them, but for heavens sake sometimes I just wonder what else these people do with their time? And if their lives are truly as magical and whimsical as they make them out to be? Because mine sure isn't. My life is messy and confusing and sometimes I want to scream in my sheets with my feet kicking the air, while other days I want to sweetly twirl to the beautiful rhythms of life on a sidewalk.

Also, I had ear surgery, meaning that my equilibrium is totally thrown off right now and somehow makes me too tired to do virtually anything (haha.. virtually, get it?).

And lastly, there's simply been a lot of big life changes this month, which I'm trying to wrap my mind around and grasp my fingers into. It seems that my usual way of handling things and understanding them doesn't really apply. I'm in unknown territory and a map has never been made for it. I'm attempting to increase my time with the Lord but have been doing an awful job at it. I'm so grateful for His grace in the matter. I know that in a few months' time, certain things will be clearer, and I may even be a fully-functioning, working adult. Until then, I will graciously take the days, one at a time, with Jesus Christ at the forefront of it all.

Here's to a new season of life.

hello, 2013

On New Years Day, I was enjoying the luxury of my bathtub for the first time since I've moved into this house. As I floated there, listening to Hillsong and basking in the enveloping heat, I looked over to my body wash and noticed a little surprise. It was the perfect poem for New Years Day! I shared it with my family, and now I'm going to share it with ya'll.

you took the right road and ended up in the wrong place. begin again. you reached the top of a mountain only to find yourself at the bottom of a new one. begin again.you dotted every "i" and forgot to cross your "t's". begin again. you loved with all your heart and it got broken anyway. begin again. you won the race but they gave first place to someone else. begin again.you followed your north star and ended up at the south pole. begin again. you achieved a big dream. dream again.

fear

I'm afraid of myself. I woke up this morning at 5am thinking about how afraid of myself I am. I'm afraid of my emotions, which sometimes seem to have a mind of their own. And I'm afraid of my mind which seems to lift off and go places without me as well. I'm afraid of overthinking things and of not thinking through them enough. I'm afraid that I'm an incredibly selfish person with incredibly selfish motives towards some of my friendships (does that make them selfships?). I'm afraid of being stuck with myself forever and not having a significant other to share myself with. I'm afraid that when/if that day does in fact come, I'm going to have a very hard time sharing because I'm so used to being with only me. I'm afraid that I'm not nearly as cool as people perceive me as. Or maybe they don't perceive me as cool at all, and I just think they do because I want them to. But regardless, I'm not that cool. I'm a makeshift hand-me-down painting created from years of summer camp, dancing in a studio, heartbreaks, insecurties, anger at injustices, moments of true Trust in Jesus, having very few friends in high school, learning the art of solo sports, disappointments, and rejoicements. I am exactly where I am and who I am now because of this winding, uncertain path that I've been walking on. Good gosh, I am afraid of myself. I'm mostly afraid in these moments where I feel the need to be brutally honest with myself and I desperately don't want to.

lacing up with lewis

I feel that I'm always armed and slaying wayward thoughts and actions in this constant battle with discontentment and high expectations for my life. Everyone says it's good to have high expectations; to hold onto those and don't settle, whatever you do. I wholeheartedly agree-- in fact, I've probably mouthed and proclaimed the very same words to some dear friends of mine who were so obviously in dumb relationships with dumb boys or girls. But sometimes it's not that obvious. Sometimes the heart, itself, settles in a space that it doesn't belong. Sometimes my mind settles in a space that it doesn't belong too. And it makes me feel uncomfortable. I itch for freedom, but I'm having a hard time recognizing what are the shackles gripping around my ankles and arms. 

I have built up high walls and then I'm telling myself that I have to climb them in order to be anything or get anywhere. I have created a troubled soul within myself. 

And now I'm becoming aware of it, and I cannot maintain this image.

The truth is, is Jesus Christ is my Savior. He's unhatched the locks that I put on my own shackles made of my own craftsmanship. He's said, "No, I won't let you do that to yourself; here, let me set you free. You are free indeed." And instead of leaping for joy at it all, I just sit there in this open prison cell with unlocked metal hanging on me, waiting for something else to come save the day. 

Everything about my life reflects the Gospel of Jesus; my messing up, his saving me, his constant redemption for me, welcoming me home, lifting me up, bringing me favor, opportunity, loving on me, instilling creativity in me. He is good good good, over and over again.

I think a part of my frustrations stem from the humanness that I feel through gravity, through the world's corruptions, war, strife, politics-- that it's not supposed to be this way. We were created for more. I was created for more. We belong to another world, but in this world we've been saved. In this world that I live in right now, I have been saved from its captivity. And hallelujah to that! The book of Hebrews is all about reminding Christians about who Jesus is, why he's so worthy to worship and follow. I'm going to start reading through it and studying it so that I can be reminded too, so that I can start proclaiming "hallelujah" and really mean it again.