a floating feather

I feel like a feather. A feather suspended just above the sand. I've made it all the way from the ground of the park to get to the sandy beach, but rather than gently drifting down to solid ground, I am simply floating at a soft hover.

The Lord has done so much in my life over the past year and half. This has been the most intense season of growth. I had to fly clear across the globe to Australia to learn how to define faith for myself, how to fall in true love with Jesus, how to stop striving after unrealistic expectations for myself emotionally and physically, how to be independent in a healthy way, and how to properly adventure. I came back to America and was slammed with reality, when my best friend, brother, and sister all were married within months of each other. I was also slammed with the reality that I had gained about 15 pounds (not much to most, but to a former body-obsessed dancer, this was tragic). I had to learn how to live with my parents again, completely dependent, and then had to learn how to live with four other girls in a house at school. After learning that I could actually choose how to use my time, energy, passions, love, faith, and beauty, I had to spend a lot of time alone, evaluating my current self, and how I wanted to shape my final year of college. I would no longer spend all of my free time exercising, but would reserve a short time every day to maintain a healthy self, and reserve a larger portion of my free time to maintain a healthy spirit. I discovered my love for baking. I eagerly engaged in long conversations with my lovely roommates. I spent more time painting or crafting. I wrote letters. I went on dates (which didn't work out, but I took chances I never would have done before). I went on solo adventures to the wilderness areas near campus. I read the Bible like I believed it. I spoke aloud when I saw an injustice on campus. I wore less-tight clothing, and tried to keep from flirting or striving. In fact, I was pretty burnt out with the whole relationship thing and tried to spend as much time at home, away from the opposite sex, as possible. I reconnected with my family, fully inviting them into my life, my heart, my passions again. I journaled less and journeyed more. I was quieter.

So much soul love was had.
And then, I met the most marvelous young man. We're now in a long-distance relationship. I'm not going to go into details yet because it is too soon for that. But, in short, the eight months that we've been together have felt like a whirlwind. We've both learned so much about ourselves and each other. I have been humbled beyond belief. I thought I was on top of the world when I met him... like I said in the paragraph above-- the Lord had changed so much in me and had matured me in mysterious ways. However. I realized how very immature I still am in many ways, and especially how selfish I am. I do not have it all together, and I certainly do not know how to best do this whole relationship thing.

Also-- I still don't know what the heck I'm doing with my life. I had it all set a year and half ago... finish school, finish massage school, apply for PT school in a cool city, finish that, get a great job, get married, have babies, blablabla... And now! I've finished university, about to finish massage school, and.. andd.. well shoot, I don't really know what else will really happen. I don't have a clear career vision anymore because I don't think that I'm supposed to. I had to make an intense decision to not apply for PT schools and to not pursue that anymore, because everything within me has been telling me "no" to that ever since I was in Australia. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, except to remain passionate for the Lord, and serving him with the abilities that he has gifted me in. I love giving massages to people who need it, and I do truly love massage in general, but I want to expand the horizons of it to reach more types of people (perhaps I will focus on rehab, oncology, sports).

This is all a part of the journey my Shepard is asking me to follow him on. He's saying to me, "Look, I know that you don't know what's coming, but if you would just trust me when I say that it will be alright, I promise that you will not be put to shame. You have a unique calling, a very unique self to offer to the world; I've spent the past twenty-three years of your life forming you into a woman after my own heart, and I will continue to do so if you continue to obey me. This will take courage. You can choose to let go of my hand at any time, but it will be much harder to hear my quiet voice. You are mine, and I love you too much to let you fall."

And so here I float.
Suspended, in waiting, to see what the Lord will ask of me next, and praying that I have the courage to follow his leading. He has been faithful this long, and I have no reason to believe that he will not continue to be faithful from this point forward. My life is in his hands. My future rests with him, and I ought not to be anxious for it.
I will patiently hover in this warm, soft air;
a feather, eager to land, but content until the right timing has come.